There are many ways to blame the past. For many things that we had done, we've been through, for that pain and all of, we think, sacrifice, maybe sometimes we just wonder, why all of that bad stuff happened. Maybe its kinda nature if we're counting more in bad thing instead of the good ones.
Once in a time there was a little boy that is suffering for his question about his experience. For a five or six years old boy, it is something strange if you've been touched by any other boy, in specific way. We call it sexual abuse or some kind. His big brother touched him and did many things for his big brother pleasure of big question about puberty. When the bigger one found that little one, so he got his moment. No one knows, and that little boy thought it is not something that no one need to know. So he kept it for a very long time. Kept ir for himself. He didn't know that it was just destructing his life, time by time. He was always thinking that people will only make him a joke, laughed on him, or just felt him as douchebag. He didnt have a value at all. He was afraid. He was frightening. He was trying to forget, but he couldnt. So he kept it as a big secret of his life, but in the some other ways, it's just always haunting him. Every day.
Finally that little one grew up and become a teenager. And he begun to wonder, what if he cope the sexual experience that's haunting him all along. But as a teenager sometimes people made a wrong decision, so be him. He try another sexual experience with other boys. He felt secure for a moment of time. But after few counts, he's hungry for more and more. And he try with the other and others. He was thinking that it will be kinda revelation, or antitode for poison that was spreding in his blood. In the other hand he kept his life valued, people have to respect on him. So he tried to made achievement, in study, in religious ways, in daily life, in any way possible.
But yeah, he's completely wrong. The question wasnt answered at all. it just become bigger and bigger and got him as a nightmare. The gost from the past crush the little kid he's know as himself to pieces. It must be there is any other ways. He has to found the healer. So he met this girl. He knew her from an orientation program in his college. They're finally become together as a couple. Secretly make a promise together about future. But he was too shame to share his story with that girl. He kept it for himself.
Different from the last one, he tried to comfort that girl. He wasnt going to push that girl for doing bad thing, especially with their relationship. He never touched her. Let her doing any thing she wanted. He thought that he let her free, but actually he just secured her, or secured himself. Two things that he forgot are he didt finished with his thing, neither the girl. He cheated her, as she was cheating on him as well. What they used to think as comfy relationship is just a big big lie at all. After spent four years together he finally knew that their relationship didnt work. So when the girl finally say yes for his proposal for the break up, he felt more freedom. They're loving each other of course, but, above all, the felt they didnt deserve each other. So he was still broken pieces. For a long time he was thinking he dont deserved to something called love. He couldnt love and loved back in return. Yeah, poor him.
Sometimes there are people that make us feel safe. And he finally found them. His friends from college. So he told all of his experiences to them one by one. To few boys and girls that he ever had a crushed. He told them about his true identity. His true being. About his sexual abuse experience, about his feeling, about all of him. His thinking about people that will make him a joke was completely untrue. Wrong! They're just accept him as himself. And that become his eureka moment. The Bingo time. It is. Let it go. Accept it was as it was, it is as it is, what will be as what will be. Your whole things and stuffs with all that pain, lose, but also wtih all happiness and greatness. And he found out actually in every moment of time he never walked alone. So be it. After his acceptance and let it go moment, he's just as free as bird. Flying around, which the sky is his limit. He doesnt question about his sexual, his experience, and he as human being. He's that always thingking Freud is always right, also consider Erikson. If it is ego, it is not just about the past but about present and future, its not just a defend mechanism, it also progressive thing.
Right now he has meeting with many people, the happy one, bad one, try to make themselves complicated one, the simple one, the depress one, the pessimist, the optimist, and many else. Right now he can tell them, "It's your right to keep it and live with it, be depressed and haunted. Or you choose the other way. Let it go, and keep moving forward. Just like 'where the heart is' said our lives can change with every breath we take hold on like hell to what we've got: each other, and a mother,sister, brother, father, friend who would die for the other and almost did... we've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on. It never too late for a change, to make your life and the other lifes happy and valueable, love each other, keep it up." Finally that boy grew up, and right now I think for the better good. Or maybe. We dont know. Doris Day say the future not ours to see, que sera sera.
Yeah I know exactly about him. Coz he's me.
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